SENTAP

Assalamualaikum,

Sekali, berkali-kali asyik-asyik aku tersentap. 

Sometimes, it's better to have nothing than own a thing.  It taught you how to appreciate what is the most important task you've got to achieve.

My life now just like a kind of thing that I, myself don't understand.  Where is me?  Where is the old me?  Does she run or where she's hide?

Long ago, I've ever wrote a note that reminding myself why is the why why?

Hand over my head, thinking straight up to the ceiling, green. Yes, the color that been painted in my room.  Why? That's why!  I don't know why that why why.  Oh dholna...dil to pagal hai. The song i've been listen to right now.  Seems like I also pagal but I don't know what is 'dholna' mean then I got the point!  Maybe that 'why' stand for my stupidness in finding the meaning of my life.  I only listen without knowing the meaning and I only living without planning the ending.  I don't want my life ends without the beginning!  Maybe I still  on my way to the start point but where is it? GPS? show me the way!!

The battlefield inside my heart grow bigger and bigger everyday.  This is my life. Why I should give it to others to decide?  I, myself are an independence girl since I was a little girl.  That's why I've grown up living such a no-hearted person with an empty eyes watching others struggling so hard in making their life from tears to happiness.

Honestly,  I rarely saying the love words because as for me, love is not what you can say and yell at to anyone.  Love, the most precious and sweetest thing if you find the purer and it comes directly from your heart.  As for me, I feel so awkward when I have to tell people that "You are the most thing comes in my mind" because, I know, in  my mind, there will be nothing except the dream that I certainly wanted but will never come true unless it's my luck to achieve it.

Today I feel so ter'SENTAP' to  myself, why? why? why? I don't know and I wish I can just ignore that feeling but it's killing me softly.

Sorry for being cruel to myself.  But, at the same time maybe I've treat other with bad and worst situation.

Poor me.

tq.